Scary-Ass Bears! A Commentary on the Goodnight Song by SuperSimpleSongs

As a parent who’s has to watch this goddamn video over and over again, here’s what I really think of it (link to my video at the bottom).

It starts out with soothing music, and we’re in what appears to be a cave on the side of a hill or mountain, overlooking the forest. A very calming, scenic view.

cave
This is prime real estate right here.

So far so good. You know what’s a little funny? It’s a video for babies but the scenery reminds me of The Revenant.

Haha! What a silly thought-

bear-cub
If you’re out in the forest, this is the part where you shit your pants

Wait. Is… is that a bear cub? This means-

bear-cub-and-mom
Yep. New pants needed. And possibly new vocal chords as well.

OH MY GOD IT’S A GODDAMN MAMA BEAR!

Man, that nearly gave me a fucking heart attack. At 35. I’m too young and pretty to die of a heart attack (my wife and most of my friends would disagree, but I digress). Did these guys not see The Revenant?

I did. I know what’s up with the fucking bears, OK?

revenant-bear-attack
She’s not singing a lullaby.

Alright, man. Calm down.

mama-bears-eyes
The eyes of a goddless, furry killing machine.

 

Just… just calm down.  JUST RELAX, DAMMIT. Focus on the soothing music and the fact that it’s just a cartoon.

cub-sleeping
A full day of committing horrific murders makes cute little bear cubs sleepy.

OK the cute little bear helps. He’s sleepy. Aww. So, we’re back on track.  The mama bear begins to reminisce, and we see them on a river bank.

mama-bear-pulls-back-cub
Now now, not too close! That’s dangerous. You might fall in the water. Must be careful!

The cub is so curious and fascinated by the fish, that he almost falls into the water. Mama bear responsibly pulls him back from the brink, like a good parent. They watch a happy fish jump above the water, and the cub has an amazed look on his face. A very heartwarming scene.

jumping fish.png
Don’t be too happy. They’re gonna fucking eat you, man. You and your friends and family.

Next, the cub is at a tall tree with a bee hive. And he tries to climb it! It’s really dangerous for such a little bear. Good thing the mama bear is there to protect her child.

Just kidding! She commits child endangerment (cub endangerment?) by pushing him up that damn tree, and leaving him on a branch alone as he inches towards the little ball of death. And she smiles as she does this. 

mama-bear-smiling
Soon I’ll be free. 

And in the next scene we see her walking alone with that stupid grin on her face. WHAT HAS SHE DONE.

mama-bear-walking-alone
“I feel like hitting the clubs tonight!”
mama-bear-walking-with-cub
“But I can’t, because the little shit survived. Fuck.”

Yep! He miraculously survived the hive and the long fall like a miniature fur-covered Rasputin. This one is clearly destined for a long life of causing death and destruction. And in the next chilling scene, we see what catches his attention.

bear-looking-at-house
Holy shit. This just suddenly took a much darker turn.

He just stares at it with an expression that mixes murderous intent with curiosity of what helpless screams sound like and an eagerness to make it all happen.

But something unexpected happens.

An owl appears and the little would-be serial killer gets scared and runs off to his mommy!

bear-cub-hiding-behind-mama
“Mama I’m scared!” “…”

Lemme get this straight. You climbed to a great height and handled a motherfucking bee hive ALONE, and a little owl scares you?

mama-bear-smiling-again
You are the reason daddy left us.

The horror show/kids’ song ends with the two unholy homicidal maniacs sleeping in the cave, dreaming of all the horrors they will unleash on the world tomorrow.

If you’d like to watch my video commentary, my Patreon link with the Youtube video: https://www.patreon.com/posts/8047760

 

 

 

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